Photo by Sharon GuntherI first started meditating on the Serenity Prayer when I was pregnant with my first child. On the one hand I realized there were things I needed to change--my habit of having wine with dinner; my volunteer job, which exposed me to tons of second-hand smoke. On the other hand, there was nothing I could do to guarantee a healthy baby. I was going to need to let go and trust, which I had a sense would make labor easier anyway. Reflecting on the Serenity Prayer helped me relax so that when my daughter arrived (two and a half weeks after her due date!), I was ready.
The Serenity Prayer has brought comfort and perspective to millions of people around the world. For some it is a bedrock of their recovery program. For others it just provides a needed reminder when the car gets a flat tire or the baby won’t nap. Please use the comment function below to share your story of a time when the Serenity Prayer helped you.
Thank you,
Eileen
Thursday, July 16, 2009 at 11:21AM
Reader Comments (5)
The Serenity Prayer appears in my next book, in a scene near the end where I've been told to pray and I can't come up with anything on the spur of the moment. Then I remember the Lord's Prayer from the days when I went to ACOA meetings, which always segued right into the Serenity Prayer in the meetings, so I start reciting that one, too. I was grateful to be reuinited with it in this way. Although it's often recited in the context of Anonymous movements, I find it to be an inspiration in everyday life, as well.
Hope Edelman
author, The Possibility of Everything (forthcoming in September 2009)
My introduction to the Serenity Prayer was in 1972, when I was 17 , and my Mom was dying from Breast Cancer. A friend gave me a plaque that had the short version on it, and those words seeped into my soul and helped carry me through that horrible, horrible time. I don't know...it just kind of said it all for me then.
Over the years I've pulled the prayer out for everything from trying to get a lawnmower to crank, to sitting in traffic on Airport Blvd, to dealing with my child as he struggled with depression so deep, I couldn't phathom it, and felt so helpless that there wasn't a thing I could do to help him through it, but to let him know that no matter what, he was loved and cherished.
It's been as much a staple in my life as bread and water...and many times it's been my wine as well.
It's my prayer...
I was first introduced to the Serenity Prayer while in rehab for alcoholsim. While God has been the bedrock of my recoverery, the prayer has been the road map. This prayer not only helps one recover from addiction but also from Perfectioinsm. It's ok to take a break when tired or tell someone no when you just don't have the time. It reminds me that it is God's wisdom not mine that will make a difference.
The Serenty Prayer is the the unseen CNS (central nervous system) that kept Cal and Dad connected in the following story:
NOBODY MOVE AND NO ONE WILL GET HURT
My name is Cal. This is my father’s journal of what he called his recovery – though it was really about my recovery. I am sober for over five years now (Dad died two years ago).
Step 1
(We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.)
I spoke to a room full of 16 year old addicts Friday night...thought about Cal...about myself... wondered whether those kids were being saved or were terribly cursed... they seem so lost and intruded on and there is no one left to pick up the pieces and I wondered whether they were being denied their chance to really know something... I think everyone is on the path they should be on, so it matters little... I have to believe that...that we all have out own higher power... as someone said yesterday, "you're gonna stop using eventually let's hope you're alive when it happens." And maybe that's even a bit hopeful... and where is the line between the necessary hope to live a life that is more than torment and that hope turning to expectation and then again to torment... the line is actually pretty clear when you get there...if you get there.
Over the years my son, Cal, has been an on again - off again journal keeper. One entry reads:
“For God.
Time to start writing. I like how the letters look sometimes when they are connected.
Happiness. It’s like drawing a picture. Am I being honest?
Drugs is all I know. What the hell do I want? Does everyone know what they want?
Show me something else. A magic place. I want to help animals. They are innocent. The earth is innocent. Life is innocent.
Dear God, help me find what I want. Can you hear me? Who am I writing for? A pointed finger in the right direction would be awesome.
I don't want to know what's at the end of the road. The steps --- do them. God, please prove yourself to me.
Sorry.
Love, Cal.”
I understand the profound gift my son has been to me and the opportunity he has provided – the amazing gift that comes with answering the challenge, with taking a look at what seems to be unpleasant or what can be accomplished by fighting to be present.
Step 2
(Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.)
When we decided to send Cal to rehab I described it like jumping off a cliff. We had some guidance, mostly from an educational consultant who specialized in troubled teens who recommended the program we were sending him to. He described it as a “wilderness program” where kids “have to eat bark for a few months”. I went to their web site and on the first page it said:
“The program mission is to empower our students with traditional Christian values of honesty, openness, respect, teamwork, and accountability; in order to instill a positive, responsible, cooperative attitude to prepare them for successfully living within their family, community, and society.”
When I called to see if they could admit Cal, I recall asking the admissions director why their web site described honesty, respect, teamwork and accountability as Christian values. “Those are human values or maybe Judeo Christian values,” I said. “Why do you call them Christian values?”
I remember thinking that here I was about to send my out of control drug addicted teenager across the country to a program I knew very little about and I was quibbling about the brochure. The director answered: “This is Utah and that is how we refer to values out here, as Christian, but you are right, others call them Judeo Christian”. I feared she was thinking – “problem parent”. I wanted to explain that I was just worried to death about my son and I do not give a hoot about their ideology as long as they help him. We arranged for Cal to fly there the next day.
They recommended we hire a Teen Transport Service that would send two men to our house to make sure Cal got on the plane. She said at least half their kids arrive that way and many of those who do not, run. I said I did not think we would need the service.
That night Cal packed a bag with some clothes. In the morning before we left the house I went through his bag and found 4 joints and various pills in the pocket of his jeans. I knew that his clothes and all his possessions would be searched when he arrived in Utah but I threw the drugs away fearing security at the airport might find them.
Cal and I drove to the airport in silence for his flight to Las Vegas. I think Cal half expected a last minute reprieve - we wouldn’t really send him away. In Vegas two men in a pickup truck would be waiting to take him on the 6-hour drive to The Ranch. When we got to the flight gate I hugged Cal goodbye and walked back to the car. When I put the key in the ignition I cried so hard I could not breathe.
. Step 3
(Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.)
No phone calls were allowed but Cal wrote to us. The first letter we got read:
“Dear Mom and Dad,
They tell me they won’t read my letters home so you would think I would speak my mind but I can’t. I’ve been stripped of all dignity, pride and self-respect so I see no reason to speak my feelings because I have been convinced they are worthless. Plus, even if I did describe this place, I wouldn’t do the horror of it justice.
Please call or do something. Please! – Love Cal.”
Once a week we received an email photograph of Cal – I would look at the photo constantly until the next arrived. I studied the out of focus child in the distance with a shovel in his hand standing next to a fence for any sign of how he was doing.
When the fourth picture arrived it looked like Cal was smiling. I used that as an opportunity to call the facility. I spoke to the admissions director and told her we had gotten the most recent picture and it was so nice to see a smile. She said, “Oh yeah, Cal has a great smile - he uses it a lot when he is trying to con someone”. This was my first sense that the people in “rehab world” are not made of the same stuff as me. In time I came to admire them very much -- Cowboy Values.
Step 4
(Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.)
About 2 months after Cal entered the Ranch we got the following letter:
“Dear Mom and Dad,
Today was crazy. We went into the desert to herd the cows (in the winter all the cows are moved to the desert). The desert where they stay consists of low rolling hills, grass, tumbleweed and sparsely distributed small trees. When spring comes we have to go the desert on horseback and herd as many cows as possible into the trailer to bring them back to the pasture. About a dozen cows can fit into the trailer but usually we only manage to get a few in. There are about 50 cows all together so that’s a lot of trips to the desert.
Today we went to get the last two cows with their two calves. My horse, Ty, needed new horseshoes so I had to ride Picasso instead – he is young and extremely fast. When we got to the desert the wind was the most powerful wind I have ever seen. There were sand tornadoes and we could barely see, not to mention we were almost getting blown off our horses. When we reached the fenced in area we realized that the last two Mamas and their babies were not there. We searched and found a hole in the fence. We had to follow their tracks outside the hole until we saw them. They were not too far away. We herded them through the hole and into the trailer.
The wind is still howling and the loft is shaking. I can barely see the horses outside the window 50 feet away because the dust is so thick. There is also a storm on the mountain heading this way. I love weather like this.
Love you – Cal”.
Most days I went to the office but all I wanted to do was get home to see if another photograph or letter had arrived. I was a zombie at work and in small talk with co workers I might allow as “some kids are tougher to raise than others” giving them some way to perhaps understand my distraction in case they noticed. I found myself thinking that if I could give my life to ensure that Cal would be OK I would. I wished the devil would appear to make the deal.
In the end that is the great commodity of value...focused engagement with ideas and other people inside some kind of spiritual snow globe... the answer for isolation of both the pathetic and heroic variety...they're interchangeable anyway... yeah, AA is quite the good deal...individual freedom by being willing to be "part of"... an institutionalized subversion by strictly following the (no) rules -- I am convinced that there is a simple yet profound physics to emotional wellness... the farther down we go that is how far up we can be allowed to go up... it's finding that cognitive, humbled rocket ship to get there that is the x factor... Cal has that lovely natural awe that I believe is considered a bodisatva sign of something very, very good.
Step 5
(Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.)
After a long illness, my mother died about a year before we sent Cal away. We were all at her bedside when she died. Her last words to Cal – she whispered to him - “be good”. She used to say that to me all the time when I was a kid and I always took it as her reminding me of the rules. Now it was a prayer.
About a year after her death, we gathered at the cemetery for the unveiling of my Mother’s headstone. I missed my Mother but was relieved she was spared Cal’s downward spiral. I visited her grave a lot during that year and promised I would never give up.
Cal wasn’t there for the unveiling so I read his letter out loud. I held the letter in my hand and read:
“the wind is howling and the loft is shaking…”
As I spoke a gust of wind literally blew the letter out of my hands. A few feet away, I retrieved the letter and continued…
”…there is a storm on the mountain heading this way. I love weather like this”…
Because of the strong sun in the desert everyone there wears a hat. For months after my son left the Ranch he wore a baseball hat and the second he would walk in any door he would take off his hat – sign of respect. In those days he looked great – sun burnt and strong.
I have been dealing with the truth that alcoholism / addiction isn't really about the drugs – its about not showing up for yourself and immersing yourself in the present…about no excuse not to deal with process or the process that awaits… it is not my responsibility to meet another halfway...it is my responsibility to meet them more than halfway...
Step 6
(Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.)
It’s a common maxim in the world of substance abuse that there is no recovery without relapse. Cal graduated from his program in Utah and he relapsed. That relapse got him into legal trouble - conviction and probation. The question on the probation form handed to Cal by the Court Probation Officer said:
“If you violate the terms of your probation you will go to jail. What effect would your going to jail have on your family?”
Cal wrote:
“It would kill my parents.”
Before his sentencing I had written to the Court:
“I am disappointed to hear about the unavailability of Youthful Offender status for Cal in this case. I am hoping that the District Attorney can be persuaded.
Cal spent 15 months in a residential treatment center and made real strides there. When he graduated he came home and after continued progress he unfortunately made contact with old “friends" who brought Cal into their plan that had been ongoing for sometime. Cal did not conceive of it, execute it, plan it or even understand it - he was the smallest fish by a wide margin.
Forgive me for sounding like a desperate parent - I am sure you understand - in pressing for leniency would it be of any value at all to have friends of our family who might be wiling to serve as character witnesses help in any way? “
I sat in Court when the Judge accepted Cal’s guilty plea to two class E felony counts. She sentenced him to the plea bargained deal - 5 years probation and she added 120 hours of community service because he tested positive for drugs the morning of his sentencing.
A few weeks later I received a note from his lawyer:
“Needless to say, the most important and difficult time for a caring Dad is ahead. I hope your son appreciates how fortunate he is to have you in his corner.
-- Good luck.”
It was hard for me to see how my son was fortunate, or worse, I thought that if I had been a better parent, done things differently, worked harder to better understand his needs, hovered less, things would have been different.
Isn’t it precisely because it was me in his corner that he suffers?
I think that relapse is perfectly fine... it is not a moral issue... that is the key... the goal is not to die so you can be here for the so called miracle when it happens... so even if Cal relapses a bunch it's just part of the process... painful of course and there is no assurance that he will get back, but, not only does he have whatever life he has while using he has a very nice perspective and knows some things worth knowing and will hopefully come back to learn a lot more...I guess we all are gonna get what we need whether we like it or not.
Step 7
(Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.)
In his book, Beautiful Boy, about his son’s addiction, David Scheff wrote about his first Families Anonymous meeting:
"My first impulse in the meeting is condescension. I look around with something bordering on loathing and think, what am I doing with these women in tinted hair and pantsuits and large-bellied men in button up short-sleeved shirts and chinos? By the time I leave, however, I feel an affinity with everyone here - the parents and children and husbands and wives and lovers and brothers and sisters of the drug-addicted. My heart breaks for them.
I am one of them."
I went to my Families Anonymous meeting yesterday and learned from Ben that his and Elaine’s daughter walked out of the residential treatment program she was in. They are devastated – Elaine did not speak at the meeting. I stayed with Ben after the meeting and he told me that despite years of "program" and having seen it all before - their spirits sink to the depths over again with each set back and disappointment. I really had hoped that this time their daughter, Heather, was going to make it. I wanted her to prove to us all that it can be done. Heather is 32 and has two children. The kids were taken away from her by the state. Ben and Elaine have never met their grandchildren.
Step 8
(Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.)
One of Cal’s new Narcotics Anonymous friends has been sober for 5 months and is waiting to begin his sentence in state prison. He is 29 years old and recently got a good job at a local accounting firm and a new steady girlfriend. In 3 months he starts his jail term of one year for DWI.
Once you're clean... once the drugs are not the primary issue, then it's just you and all those character defects... I am beginning to see Cal start to show up for himself and for others in a way I never have before... actually, to show up for himself by showing up for others... and also as importantly, submitting once and for all to time... in the end, the force I am most in awe of...even more than love, is time...
Step 9
(Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.)
The terms of Cal’s probation required him to attend 90 NA meetings in 90 days. Sometimes he went to six meetings in a day. He has now been sober for 8 months. One of the meetings he attends has a name, it’s called, “Never Had a Legal Drink”. It’s for anyone who started their sobriety before they turned 21.
Cal pulled together a resume – despite a school record in tatters he has some good stuff on it – town garbage man for 2 summers, worked on a ranch, loves animals.
On Tuesday, he walked into our local veterinarian’s office. Coincidentally, Dr. G said she needed a "vet tech" because her current technician was leaving on Saturday. She asked Cal how it is that he came to work on a ranch in Utah and he said he was unhappy in high school and went to an alternative school out west. She asked Cal to say hello to her two pit bulls – animals she had rescued. He did and she hired him on the spot and told him to come in at 11:00 am the next day.
He showed up at work at 10:30 and she had him walk her two dogs. Cal says they have troubled personalities because of their hard early lives so he had to establish a good relationship with them right away - he tells me he did this by not allowing the dogs to turn their backs on him - its important he says to establish dominance by making them walk behind him. I am not sure how he knows this but I think he learned it at the Ranch as well as a show on TV he watches a lot called Dog Whisperer. He has always had a natural talent with and affinity for animals.
Cal was given a set of scrubs and on his first day he did blood centrifuges, took inventory, held a dog whose teeth were being cleaned by the doctor, took blood samples to the post office and learned how to use the appointment calendar on the computer. He stayed an hour after closing time to mop the examining room and clean the office.
On Saturday he held a sick cat while Dr. G. euthanized it. He held another cat while she neutered him (she had him assist her with the valium injection by guiding his hands as he administered the injection). He did more blood work and although quitting time on Saturday is 6 p.m. he stayed until 9:30 mopping and cleaning. He came home tired, overwhelmed, proud and happy as well as more than a little nervous that "Dr. G. thinks I am smarter than I really am” but he "figures I can probably do the job or else why would she have given it to me?" Despite the late hour he wanted to go to an NA meeting and looked for one on line but it was too late. He called his sponsor.
Cal says that Dr. G. needing a vet tech was not a coincidence – it was a gift.
I recently met an NA “old timer “– he has been sober for 20+ years and said to me “we will never see all the wonders of sobriety.”
I am immensely grateful for Cal’s path which is holy and in certain ways heroic. Its only the incredible descent that lets him be who he is now, which is a massive work in progress…He knows so much more than so many his age…it is the people he is exposed to and the community of glorious casualties that he is part of that is truly the incalculable gift... to maybe really learn that it's all about your part in things... to maybe know that you are powerless over other people's feelings and actions... to walk that beautiful line between compassion/action/inaction and to know that his disease is not out to kill anyone but him…
Step 10
(Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.)
NA is amazing in ways I do not really understand. I do not think Cal experiences his sobriety as requiring discipline (though I could easily be very wrong about that). I do think he has found a substitute for some of what drugs provided in the camaraderie, message, support and confidence he gets from being part of a community of people who understand his struggle. I think NA also helped him see how much harm drugs were causing him. He now says with conviction that there are only three possible outcomes if you use: institutionalization, jail or death.
Step 11
(Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out).
My wife recently wrote to a friend:
“We are all doing really well. Cal is doing great (8 months of sobriety). He's going to start taking classes at one of the community colleges in January. He is slowly rebuilding his life. It’s quite miraculous. The NA model has literally turned him around. He goes to meetings ever day. Religiously. He speaks often at other meetings where he often is invited to speak. I think we worried about him for so long and had to grapple with powerlessness all the time. It took a lot out of us. Looking back on it, I didn't even realize at the time how much deep worry was with me constantly. So for now with Cal’s sobriety we feel freed emotionally to go about our lives”.
Step 12
(Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.)
A childhood friend of Cal’s’ who was recently home visiting from college wrote:
"Great to see everyone Saturday, especially Cal -- though brief, our encounter left a deep impression; to an "outsider" of sorts, he seems a much transformed person from when I last saw him (which would have been before he began NA). If I’m at least somewhat correct in that assessment, then I hope all continues to follow positive vibrations. "
I am not oppressed by reflection – that I am tolerant of myself in that regard is a good thing. I rant and ramble and that ranting and rambling can be a lonely source of inspiration but I can live with that habit... its an essential but slightly obscure jones - to lie down with my inherent doubts and sometimes confidence…
The Next Step
On TV during the commission of bank robberies the criminals always say: “Nobody move and no one will get hurt.” Sometimes this ends in disaster. Other times the siege eventually ends, the guns are put away and normal banking operations resume. We watch unsure how it will end but if it was me trapped in that bank I know what I would be thinking; that it’s OK to be afraid.
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The Comfort and Joy show is a weekly radio show on KBRP LP Bisbee, www.kbrpradio.com, we do live stream and I started saying the serenity prayer on the show around show # 5, we are about to do show 146, over the time I've included some 'humorous" versions of the prayer, but really! The serenity prayer has helped me deal with challenges near and far in my life, thank you for the wonderful book, tune in to The Comfort and Joy show on Sundays, 10AM arizona time and say the serenity prayer with me. I also think that the 4 agreements, make your word impeccable, don't take anything personally, make no assumptions and always do your best belong right up there with the serenity prayer. That's all I got.